so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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