rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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