i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
