At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
