He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
