He asked to "fluff my boner.."
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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