I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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