Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Randomize
