there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
