Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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