Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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