sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
