Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
