I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
