Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
