okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
