Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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