I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
