I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
