This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
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When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
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usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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