i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My bed smells like the plague
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
