I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
