I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
