How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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