last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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