My entire life is one complicated drinking game
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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