My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
