Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
