The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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