u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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