Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
