I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
