I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
