the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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