Jerry, you need to find god
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
