I'm so fucking centered right now
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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