The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
