booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
