peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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