He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
