That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
