and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
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We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
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I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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