Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
