I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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