I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
