My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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