Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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