what if every blade of grass was a penis?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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