She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
