Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
