i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
