I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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