pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Randomize
