Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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