Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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