Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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