Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
