i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
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