One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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