So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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