the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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