If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
