we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
